A little about getting our drink on...

2010-05-19T19:36:00.004-06:00

I was planning on going in chronological order, but I honestly can't remember a lot the shenanigans I want to share. They'll eventually come back to me, and I'll eventually post them. But, for now, I'll just start with this past weekend.

Indiana, Amy, and I are in what a girl our age refers to a clique. Whatever the fuck that is. In order to piss the girl (we'll call her Twiga, because she reminds me of a giraffe and twiga means giraffe in Swahili) off, we began to act like a clique.

So, this past Friday, May 14, we began drinking at 4:00 in the afternoon in hopes of becoming the drunkest people in North America. I ended up passing out on Amy's couch while watching the Philly vs. Boston hockey game and giving permission to Indiana, "Cos," another one of my many incredibly awesome cousins, and "Ginger," Amy's creep of a younger brother, drive my vehicle around. I was still drunk/half-passed out when I gave them permission and I can honestly say I don't remember the conversation.

Anyway, when I woke up again, they were still gone. So I cracked another beer and drank by myself while waiting for them. I ended up getting drunk again, by myself this time, and when they got back, we headed out to a local party.

I started talking to random people, all of them younger than me, and waiting for the party to really start moving. Finally a vehicle showed up with some people I liked to party with. "Meg," a girl my age, sauntered up to the fire with her boyfriend, "Sporks." Sporks recently cheated on Meg, and therefore, Meg was insanely protective of her man. Sproks and I have always been close and we used to like bugging Meg about our "special bond." Because I was so inebriated at that point in time, I started bugging Meg about Sporks and I having a little thing on the side. The bitch actually choked me. I kid you not, she wrapped her arm around my shoulder and wrapped her fingers around my neck. Aw-kward. Didn't stop me from hanging off of Sporks like drapes though.

Minutes later, I step on a motherfucking nail. It goes at least half an inch into my foot. I make another slutty girl pull it out for me because I can't handle pulling a nail out of my own fucking foot. I go home, clean that shit up, put on some runners, and go back to the party.

We continue to party when no one other than "ADD" walks up and starts telling me dirty things that I don't want to hear. ADD just met me a couple of months ago, and he's developed an obsession with breaking me down. I've considered bleaching out my ears. He wanted to make out with my foot after I stepped on the nail. I don't let people touch my foot. Feet are disgusting. Anyway, he figures it's okay to try to make moves on me, and I sort of tease him, like the bitch that I am.

The night ended with an hour long talk with Twigga and her "serious issues" before a nice long conversation with Sporks about Meg, and Twigga, who used to be his best friend. I shift into psychologist mode when I'm drunk apparently.

Saturday, May 15
First grad party of the season. I. Am. Stoked. So is Indiana, T-Bone, and "Pillsbury," another one of my cousins. (I was not kidding when I said I was related to most of my friends.)

So, we're driving to the town the grad party's in. In my area of North Amercia, we do safe grads. Which means you basically get to drink underage. You fill out an invite, pay for your drinks and a $10 cover charge, and then get carted out to the gigantic party by some unlucky bastard of a parent that has to watch you drink all night. These party's usually last from midnight until 6 AM, so you know they're a good time.

The only problem is, we don't know a single person graduating. In this town, the grads get unlimited invites, so they just hand them out. Luckily for Indiana, T-Bone, Pillsbury, and I, we know a girl that used to go to school in that town, so she got us some invites.

We decided to stay in a camper so we didn't have to burden anyone else with our shit. We were a pretty rowdy group, and we didn't want to scar anyone. We get to the camper, along with the girl that got our invites, "Jose," and her boyfriend "C-Rock." We're drinking like our life depends on it because we want to be drunk before we get to the party so we don't feel so out of place. I crush five beer in an hour and a half. I feel like a machine. I have ten beer to drink at the party. I'm scared the night will end with me in the fetal position in the port-a-potties.

Finally, Jose's dad takes us out to the party. Let me try to paint a picture for you:
There's an abandoned yard. You walk in the driveway and there's a giant fire pit to your left and port-a-potties in front of you. Farther to the left is a huge circus tent with a DJ and liquor. It's a pretty sweet set-up, right?

Anyway, I book it to the liquor table and immediately begin double-fisting. I had it in my head that people might recognize me. I went to a grad party last year where I only knew three people, and people still come up to me and say, "HEY. YOU'RE WING GIRL, AREN'T YOU?" It's a giant, "Who the fuck is this kid?" moment for me. Every time. Whatever. At this grad party, I literally knew the people I came with, plus another girl that's a year younger than me. We'll call her "Tiny Dancer," or TD for short.

I see TD up on a picnic table, dancing, and she sees me and squeals. I've never been so happy to see TD in my life. I crush my beer as quickly as possible and hop on the picnic table with her. I can feel the fifty or so people staring at me, wondering who the fuck I am and why I'm on the picnic table. I'm wondering why I'm on the picnic table myself. I ain't no stripper.

The night's a little blurry because I drank an incredible amount, but I remember some guy in a blue shirt hitting on TD like crazy and me laughing at him because he was sweating like he'd just run 10k, and dancing like a monkey. I even yelled, "Dance, monkey, dance!" at him and threw TD's drink at him. Not mine own, of course.

I remember...singing "Sweet Caroline" with C-Rock on a different table at the top of my lungs and pointing at guy's in hopes of scaring them to death. I'm a pretty scary person while drunk if you don't know me. The Clan is genetically creepy. Even the girls.

I remember writing "slut" multiple times on Indiana's neck and telling the girls he was talking to that he has a small penis and horrible breath. The one time I was a horrible friend. He didn't care though. Laughed and agreed with the small penis part, actually.

I remember some crazy bitch hopping on the picnic table with Indiana and me and rubbing ketchup in Indy's eyes. It looked like it hurt like a bitch. I laughed and didn't help him at all.

I remember T-Bone grinding on TD. This forced me to turn around so I don't laugh in their faces. This also caused me to fall in between the picnic tables, which led to a nasty cut and bruise on my left calf.

I remember dancing to "Don't Stop Believin'" with Jose, and having a hot guy that was too short for me (I'm 5'9) hold out his hand to dance with. I ignored him completely and serenaded Jose instead. Shawty just laughed and did a little dancing with his guy friend. Which made me double over in laughter, even though it's not that funny.

I remember requesting "Benny and the Jets" about six times and getting pissed off every time the DJ's told me they didn't have it. They were amused. I wasn't.

I remember talking to the women that cooked burgers for me:
"Are you okay, honey?"
"Yeah. Gimme a burger. I'll be fine after that."
"Okay. You having fun?"
"If you call wandering around by yourself and laughing at stupid people fun, then yes, I'm having a blast."

I remember meeting a socially retarded 15-year-old girl that followed me around all night even though I didn't know who the fuck she was. Apparently she knew TD and TD's uncle. TD's uncle is a ex-NHLer, but I can't tell you which one (even though you probably wouldn't recognize the name) because then it'd give away my cover.

I remember Shawty coming up to Jose and I again, and belting out...a song I don't remember, with which I responded with some air humping in his general direction. Mission accomplished. The fucker backed off. Told you I'm scary.

I remember successfully polishing off all of my drinks before two o'clock. Fifteen fucking beer between the hours of 9 PM and 2 AM. I believe that's a new personal record.

I don't remember phoning Cos, but he reminded me of it the next day. I told him I fucking loved him and wished he would have came to grad with us.

I remember being followed around by one of Jose's lesbian friends. She even got me a drink. She totally wanted to bang me.

I remember Indiana and I harassing the DJ's to play another song. The people I came with, plus a select few others including Shawty, were the only ones left at the party. It was only 4:45 AM. I'm thinking, What the fuck is this shit? We need another hour of partying. and apparently Indiana's thinking the same thing. He goes up to the woman DJ and says, "I fucking love you and you're not even going to keep playing music for me? I LOVE YOU. WHAT THE FUCK?" The DJ gets on the mic and replies with, "I know you love me, but it's time to leave!"

Indiana doesn't like this. He jumps over the table and puts on the headphones and grabs the mic: "HEY. All you party people, let's keep partying! HELL NO WE WON'T GO!"

Suddenly Shawty and "Bitch Barbie" (whom I later found out is Shawty's girlfriend) are escorting us out of the tent. I'm nearly on the ground laughing while Shawty's hand is pushing me away from the DJ's. We go outside and get kicked out to the road, where Indiana, T-Bone, and Pillsbury continue to harass people.

Indiana "Did you graduate?"
MILF "No, I'm a parent."
Indiana "You look like you're about 18."
MILF "Fuck off."
Indiana "Can you please let us keep partying?"
T-Bone "Yeah, we like to party."
Pillsbury "I want another burger."
Bitch Barbie "NO. PARTY'S OVER. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED BACK IN."

Indiana lays down on the middle of the road. We drag him back into the ditch. Bitch Barbie and Shawty leave. I'm sort of disappointed. Now that the end of the night's here, I realize that I kind of liked that guy and would've willingly hooked up with him even though he's short.

Finally, some unlucky bastard with a van pulls up and gets stuck with us. All of us, except Jose who was replaced by her younger brother, pile in the van. I'm the only girl in there. Surprise, surprise.

I can honestly say I don't know who I was sitting beside. It was either Indiana or T-Bone. Anyway, the driver turned out to be incredibly cool.

T-Bone "God, that blonde was a bitch."
C-Rock "Yeah, I wanted to punch her in her precious face."
Jose's younger bro "Yeah, she is a bitch."
C-Rock "She's got bitchitis."
Driver "Hopefully it's not contagious."
We all burst out laughing at his unexpected comment.
Wing Girl "Well, I'm in the only girl in here, and I don't think I caught it."
There is an eruption of "Oh, Wing Girl, you're such a bitch!" "Shut up, ya bitch!" from everyone in the vehicle, except for the driver and Jose's younger bro.

We get back to town and get dropped off at a random house. I couldn't even tell you where we were. I only knew where the ball diamonds are in that town. So, our long trek to T-Bone's truck began. Fucking rights we were driving home. The campgrounds were miles out of town.

Turns out we were around two miles from the truck. So, Jose, Pillsbury, C-Rock, and I start bookin' it across town. T-Bone and Indiana make it to Main Street and pass out on the sidewalk. We leave them. Apparently an old lady told them she'd phone the cops if they didn't leave. So, when we came back for them in T-Bone's truck, we found them stumbling towards the highway, where we had parked the truck.

I don't remember much after that. I woke up the next morning in a bed to myself, thank God. T-Bone, Pillsbury, and Indiana were all in one bed and Jose and C-Rock were in another bed. I got the sweet deal that night.

Anyway, admittedly, not the best weekend of my life, but a weekend I'll remember forever regardless. Obviously because I knew absolutely no one, and because a guy tried to pick me up even though he had a fucking hot girlfriend. She was way hotter than me.
Oh well. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.

A little about moi...

2010-05-18T20:55:00.000-06:00

Note to self: Always lock the keypad while writing blog entries on the laptop. Don't you just fucking hate when all your work goes missing?

Okay, first off, I am really a girl. But I won't tell you how old I am, my real name, location, or any of the people I'll mention in this blog. It's seriously just for your entertainment.

I am the wing girl to my asshole friends. When you're young, girls trust guys that hang out with chicks. At least that's what my general research has given me. My guy friends don't really get that concept, but I do. And I get them girls. You're welcome, by the way.

I will tell you about all my experiences as a wing girl, but for now, I'm just going to give you general information on the area I live in, my friends, and who I am.

My name is Wing Girl and I'm best friends with a large amount of assholes. Thankfully I'm friends with them. Otherwise I would hate their guts and write depressing poetry about it and probably need years and years of counselling. I'm young, I like to drink, I like to party with said assholes, and I love telling everyone about the stupid things my assholes did the night before. It's my main thrill in life. God knows they're wittier than me, so my only weapon is to exploit them. And I fucking love using that to my advantage. I guess you could call me a bit of an asshole, too. Maybe even a bitch. But, hey? What're you going to do?

My friends. Where to start? I guess I better make up some shitty nicknames for them...
1. My best guy friend is "Indiana", which would be short for Indiana Jones. He's not the biggest asshole of them all, but he's definitely making his way up in the world. He loves being an asshole to me, because he knows how to push my buttons. But, I still enjoy is company. And, we're related. Third cousins, actually. I think we became best friends when he realized that we both like to get piled multiple times during the week and weekend. Nothing brings kin together like a good drink, especially when you're Scottish and alcoholism runs in the family.
2. My best (and only) girl friend is "Amy." There's absolutely no story behind that name. I just picked a random name that won't be needed. She's a total bitch. I fucking love it. She's opinionated, and she's this short and skinny chick with dark hair and frigid blue eyes. She's got the best bitch glare I've ever seen in my life. On top of that, she also likes partying. Partying will make me like you. Unless you do drugs. I fucking hate drugs.
3. "T-Bone" is this short guy with terrible hygiene. But, you guessed it, he likes to party, and even though he's a stingy cunt, he's a fucking great time. And he brings the entertainment to the table like nobody's business. You'll hear a lot from this little fucker.
4. "Giant" is the complete opposite of T-Bone. Tall, smells good, like, all the time, and he's hot. Easily the hottest guy in my posse of assholes. I'd never do him, but I like looking at his pretty face, and I remind him of his prettiness on a regular basis. He's not an asshole right off the bat. In fact, the guy is quite the charmer. But, once he gets back with his friends, he will rehash the entire night and dissect the girl like a fucking frog. He's got to be the biggest prick I know, but only behind your back.
5. "Hillbilly" is the oldest member of my group of assholes. He's almost finished university, he's worked on the rigs, lost his fucking left forefinger while working on the rigs, and fucked too many fat chicks. (Don't get offensive, please. I'm not the skinniest girl in the world either. Accept it, embrace it, and don't' get pissed off. Thanks.) Like Giant, he can charm the pants off of the ladies easily, and then he'll tear them apart with all of us later on. Hillbilly is also a hillbilly. Thought I'd better clarify that for anyone that didn't get the point of the nickname.
6. Our final member in the asshole group is "The Mole." He actually isn't that big of an asshole. Probably the most decent guy out of this group of people. But, he can be quite the asshole if the occasion arises. He's also probably got the most action in our group, so he's got experience under his belt, making him a little cocky, which always fuels the asshole fire.

Us assholes live in a dingy little town in the middle of bum-fucking nowhere. We are hicks, in a way. We go "muddin'", we drink way too much beer... Fuck, we even have our own fucking twang, and we sure as hell don't live in the South. Nowhere close to the South, actually. Our town is tiny and is overrun with these assholes in this clan. I am apart of the clan, along with most of the asshole posse. Indiana, The Mole, and I are all related. It's not a joke when I say we're related to half the town. It's also not a joke when I say the people in our clan are the biggest assholes I've ever met in my life.

Welcome to my life.

The Wing Girl to Assholes

A little about getting our drink on...

A little about moi...